Jan. 4, 2017

Jonah 2:7

• Old Testament

When my soul fainted within me I remembered the Lord: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple. 

Tonight's post is a little bit of a confusion.  I have lived most of my life in anticipation of loss. It probably started at 4 when my parents divorced.  My dad moved to Alabama and my mom and I moved to Maryland.  Somewhere in there I lived with my dad for a short time while my mom found a place to live - Thurmont.  She hoped it was secluded enough to keep me safe.  The man she fell in love with had an ex-wife that would rather see him dead than divorced. So Mom thought this woman might kidnap me in revenge.  So she found someplace safe, or so she thought.  This man died when I was 8, on their wedding day.  I started feeling like my mom was going to go away as well so, I started preparing for it then.  My mom took the death very hard.  She had me stay with all kinds of relatives until school started so she could get herself together.  We still lived on those tinfoil dinners for months because cooking was more than she could handle.  She managed to make it to work each day.  I held my grief in - until I was about 19 or 20.  Then when I was 22 I lost her.  I was a new mother and felt like maybe we could start bonding because we had something in common. 

When I was 10 my mom met another man, Rayfield.  They married when I was 14.  6 months after their marriage Rayfield was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He got on an experimental treatment and lived for another 9 years.  That was unheard of in those days.  But he actually died not of cancer, I think it might have been a broken heart even though the doctor said it was kidney failure.  You see he died one year exactly to the day from the last time he saw my mom,  the day they closed the casket.

I have two broken engagements and one failed marriage and they are losses too.  But tonight I am trying to remember the Lord because it is very snowy outside and very dangerous on the roads.  My husband is driving home in that weather and I sit here anticipating another loss.  What would I do? How would I handle this?  On and on my thoughts happen until I finish this and he walks in the back door and greets the dogs.

Because my soul fainted me I am trying to remember the Lord because if -- IF it happens it is the Lord that will get me though as he has all those things above.

My husband is home safe so I can rest at ease once again.  Good night.